Facebook Memories is now reminding me, every day, of my time with the kids two years ago. And looking at it has forced me to come to a couple realizations.
1. Things were bad from the start. I've been wondering for quite some time now whether medication caused him to get worse -- now I see he had the same behaviors prior to the medication, which did seem to reduce his anxiety (but nothing else).
2. Now that I look back at it from this remove, it sure looks like "Jacob" was actually suicidal.
From the start, he was:
opening the car door at high speed and taking off his seat belt (which I thought then was an act of defiance, and which I stopped by using child locks and then stopped thinking about because it stopped happening)
going to high areas and contemplating jumping (a stone wall at the eye doctor's, a cliff on a school trip, his second story bedroom window)
running into traffic
This started before he was on any medication.
Add that to the reports we got about how he'd repeatedly jumped into a pond after running away from home before entering foster care, and had to be rescued and possibly resuscitated (reports were confused on this) by neighbors, and you have to wonder if all his behavior was intended to be self-punishing.
This is the sort of realization that could have really helped his counselors, if I'd had it two years ago.
Ah well. He's home now, and I just have to keep hoping he's going to be OK.
Friday, April 29, 2016
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Second anniversary
I'm thinking a lot about the kids today.
This last weekend, two years ago, they came to live with us.
My "Facebook Memories" is full of stories about them...lighthearted stories, happy stories.
They are back with their mom now, which I think is really good. I've thought about it a lot - abuse vs. foster care - and I've decided neglect is not as bad as foster care.
I know that sounds harsh. But the children's bond with their mother -- as with all children -- was so strong. The separation was devastating. And while they endured very, very bad things in their home, none of them were direct actions of their mom. It was her inaction, likely partly her exhaustion from caring for three special-needs kids while also having special needs of her own.
Foster care is just not working for kids. If you look at the statistics, foster kids do worse than even children who drop out of school and teen mothers. The outcomes just aren't great.
They are more likely to go to jail. They are less likely to ever get a high school diploma. They are less likely to get a job. They are more likely to live their life on welfare. They are less likely to be in a stable relationship. They are more likely to abuse drugs.
They are just not succeeding at life as much as every other kid.
Now, that doesn't mean kids facing physical or sexual abuse should be returned to their abusers. But most kids in the system are there because of neglect. There aren't any statistics (that I can find) comparing foster kids to neglected kids who grow up with a parent. So I can't say for sure that going home is good.
But I can say, for sure, that growing up in the foster care system is NOT good for kids. And I can say their mom loves them, and she was trying really, really hard.
So I'm really, really hoping that those beautiful, creative children are going to be okay.
I just wish I could be a resource for them. I wish she would reach out to me! She needs help. She can't raise three special needs kids alone. But she pushes away all help, and having her kids taken away for a year definitely didn't help with that. She doesn't trust anybody now.
I would love to see them again.
This last weekend, two years ago, they came to live with us.
My "Facebook Memories" is full of stories about them...lighthearted stories, happy stories.
They are back with their mom now, which I think is really good. I've thought about it a lot - abuse vs. foster care - and I've decided neglect is not as bad as foster care.
I know that sounds harsh. But the children's bond with their mother -- as with all children -- was so strong. The separation was devastating. And while they endured very, very bad things in their home, none of them were direct actions of their mom. It was her inaction, likely partly her exhaustion from caring for three special-needs kids while also having special needs of her own.
Foster care is just not working for kids. If you look at the statistics, foster kids do worse than even children who drop out of school and teen mothers. The outcomes just aren't great.
They are more likely to go to jail. They are less likely to ever get a high school diploma. They are less likely to get a job. They are more likely to live their life on welfare. They are less likely to be in a stable relationship. They are more likely to abuse drugs.
They are just not succeeding at life as much as every other kid.
Now, that doesn't mean kids facing physical or sexual abuse should be returned to their abusers. But most kids in the system are there because of neglect. There aren't any statistics (that I can find) comparing foster kids to neglected kids who grow up with a parent. So I can't say for sure that going home is good.
But I can say, for sure, that growing up in the foster care system is NOT good for kids. And I can say their mom loves them, and she was trying really, really hard.
So I'm really, really hoping that those beautiful, creative children are going to be okay.
I just wish I could be a resource for them. I wish she would reach out to me! She needs help. She can't raise three special needs kids alone. But she pushes away all help, and having her kids taken away for a year definitely didn't help with that. She doesn't trust anybody now.
I would love to see them again.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
CPS visit (yes, after all this time!)
CPS knocked on our door.
For someone who worked in the system, meeting traumatized children who had been ripped away from their homes by CPS, this was a rather scary experience.
After all, we aren't foster parents any more. We're the parents of a 14-month-old girl, and our first thought was that CPS was coming for her.
It was terrifying. We tried to play it cool, but inside we were shaking.
The guy seemed confused. He was looking for foster parents, and we said we weren't anymore. He told us he was here with an allegation regarding "another foster child, not her," pointed to our daughter. I wanted to snatch her up and say, "Oh no, she's not a foster child!" (Subtext: so you can't take her!)
Except, of course, they can. Did we as a society really intend to give that power to the government?
Of course we had nothing to fear. The allegation regarded Sophia, from "about a year ago." (They last lived here 16 months ago.)
The allegation was that my wife took a photo of Sophia naked, in Sophia's bedroom. And she hadn't, so that was that. The investigator said he was puzzled to be here at all - even if we had taken a photo, he said, "parents take naked pictures of their children all the time."
We told him we were sure foster parents couldn't do that. He shrugged and said, "There's no allegation of misconduct, no sexual abuse or anything. Just the photo."
This led us to make some calls. Our foster agency didn't call us back, but I'm not a reporter for nothing. I found out the children are no longer with our foster agency. So they've been moved again. My heart breaks for them.
Someone is going to interview Sophia at DSS, and then the investigator will come back. I wanted, urgently, to say to him, "Does she remember us??"
But that door is closed.
For someone who worked in the system, meeting traumatized children who had been ripped away from their homes by CPS, this was a rather scary experience.
After all, we aren't foster parents any more. We're the parents of a 14-month-old girl, and our first thought was that CPS was coming for her.
It was terrifying. We tried to play it cool, but inside we were shaking.
The guy seemed confused. He was looking for foster parents, and we said we weren't anymore. He told us he was here with an allegation regarding "another foster child, not her," pointed to our daughter. I wanted to snatch her up and say, "Oh no, she's not a foster child!" (Subtext: so you can't take her!)
Except, of course, they can. Did we as a society really intend to give that power to the government?
Of course we had nothing to fear. The allegation regarded Sophia, from "about a year ago." (They last lived here 16 months ago.)
The allegation was that my wife took a photo of Sophia naked, in Sophia's bedroom. And she hadn't, so that was that. The investigator said he was puzzled to be here at all - even if we had taken a photo, he said, "parents take naked pictures of their children all the time."
We told him we were sure foster parents couldn't do that. He shrugged and said, "There's no allegation of misconduct, no sexual abuse or anything. Just the photo."
This led us to make some calls. Our foster agency didn't call us back, but I'm not a reporter for nothing. I found out the children are no longer with our foster agency. So they've been moved again. My heart breaks for them.
Someone is going to interview Sophia at DSS, and then the investigator will come back. I wanted, urgently, to say to him, "Does she remember us??"
But that door is closed.
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