We told the kids Friday night, after it became clear no one was going to do anything about the "tell them Wednesday, say goodbye and leave" plan. (And, indeed, despite people promising they would call us "today," no one actually called us until Monday, when they were still intending to go ahead with the plan that they all privately agreed would be bad for the kids.)
Thank god we did it, because it really helped them process the news and come to terms with it. As we watched them slowly grieve and then heal over the past four days, we knew we'd made the right decision.
And we also learned (this week) that no clinicians had actually been scheduled to make this a "therapeutic" event, and also that communication was so poor that none of the three agencies involved knew where and when the event was to take place. One agency (the one with the supposed clinicians) thought it would be at the DSS office at 4 p.m., which is when and where visits were being held at the start of the summer. DSS thought it would be at their office at 3:30 p.m., because that's when the visits have been for the past month. But the third agency had actually told bio mom to come to their office in Malta at 2:45 p.m. So by the time the clinicians, if there had been any, showed up at DSS, the visit would have already been over in Malta.
It would have been horrible, even with clinicians.
So we told them at the end of dinner. This is how we did it. (All our statements are true, though they are not, as you know, the true reason for the move.)
I taught the kids how to converse at a table by explaining that each person should tell their "big news" from the day and then ask another person about their big news. So at the end of the dinner, we explained that our big news was that Sandy's mom is very sick.
They know her and have visited her in the hospital, as well as going on car rides and such with her. They got very quiet.
We explained that she is so sick, she must come live with us so we can take care of her.
And then we explained that they can't share a room with her or each other, and thus we don't have enough bedrooms.
They started to get a bit concerned at this point.
So, we said as brightly as possible, we talked with mommy and the caseworkers and they asked if there was anyone the kids really liked, who would love to have them live with them, and we said yes! They love Jacob's new babysitter!
And so, we said, we were very very sad but they would be moving to her house next week.
Sophia burst into tears first. It took Jacob a moment longer to understand, and then he burst into tears too. We held them both, rocking them and singing to them but not trying to stop them from crying. I think it's healthy to cry at big losses.
At first they both kept wailing, "Right now? Tonight?" in tones of despair. When we assured them it was not until next week, they kept asking, "Is it tomorrow?" But we counted the days together -- five days! -- and that reassured them. Thank god we didn't do this at the last minute Wednesday!
After awhile -- 15 minutes? 30 minutes? -- they calmed a little and we talked about ways they could comfort themselves. They both requested their comfort forts, so Jacob and I put his back together (he's ripped it apart many times) and my wife got Sophia's out and put it in the dining room for her. But just the act of doing that seemed to calm them, and then we got out all the toys that we had taken away from Jacob over the months because he hit people with them. All the big, hard, painful toys. That really delighted them and they played happily for a little while.
Then we went into the bedtime routine, and they took great comfort in that, and in being in their bedrooms, which they love. Both kids needed more soothing than normal, of course, but the reason we chose Friday was because we would both be there to do bedtime for as long as it took.
It took about an hour. Both kids fell asleep well.
Heartbreakingly, the next night Jacob asked me: "When we sleep at [new family's home], we'll still have dinner here, right?" He wanted to always hear my big news.
They have both repeatedly asked if they will see us again.
We told them we want to see them, want them to visit us, want to visit them, and have told every agency involved. But, we said, they have to ask. Not just once or twice. They have to beg everyone: mommy, caseworkers, law guardian. It's mommy's decision.
They know that mommy probably won't want us to see them. But so far she has not told DSS to have us stay away. So I'm hopeful. Even if we can just see them a couple times after the move, I think it will help with the transition -- they'll know we're still around, we still care about them, we didn't just vanish.
But just in case, I also told them how to remember the name of my wife's business, and told them that someday, when they're older, they will be able to use computers and phones and they can look her business up on the computer. Her website has her phone number.
Probably in a few months they will move on, adjust well to their new life and not think of us much at all. They are so young -- 4 and 5 years old -- that we will quickly fade in their memories. I remember almost nothing from that age. But if they do, if they someday want to piece together parts of their life, we will be here. Waiting. Ready.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Guilty thoughts
I'll update later with how it went, telling the kids, but overall it was a really good, therapeutic weekend.
Today was Part 2 of the psych eval. The doc convinced Bio Mom to let Jacob have the medicine that his pediatrician tried to prescribe months ago. This time she agreed, and signed the paperwork.
He also agreed with the pediatrician that there's more going on here than ADHD. He said there's some sort of anxiety disorder, and maybe other things -- but he's so young and so overwhelmed with impulses that it's hard to tell. But, he said, in his brief talk with Jacob he had to redirect him more than 30 times.
What he did not address was the times when redirection doesn't work, and Jacob goes into a violent rage.
Is that because he doesn't believe it happens? Does he think it won't happen once Jacob is on this new medication? Did we give up on him too soon?
He told Bio Mom that Jacob might seem like "an entirely different boy" after the new medication takes effect. We start it tonight.
This decision was so, so hard, and seeing the kids grieve has been so hard. And now I'm wondering...Sure, I can tell myself the following:
1. She still hasn't set up the counseling that the doc says Jacob needs, and which is court-ordered, and which she said she would set up weeks ago.
2. She could withdraw approval for this medication at any time, just like she did last time.
3. It might not address the rages at all, which the pediatrician said are not a symptom of ADHD.
But a part of me feels like a terrible failure for giving up. And the new family seems great at handling stuff like this, yes, but there are things the new foster mom says at times that worry me. Will he really be loved and cherished there?
Did we do the right thing?
Certainly I can say foster care in general was not the right thing for us. We are clearly not the right people for it. We care. We get attached. We advocate for the kids.
And also, we were clearly not the right people for these kids...the 4-hour medical appointments, once or twice a WEEK, were killing our ability to work. And the utter lack of communication was driving us batty. Only by directly asking a caseworker today, two days before the next mom visit, did we learn they'd changed the time of the visit again. This time they've decided it should be at 2:45 p.m. (It was previously at 4 p.m., except that they randomly change it.) I explained that Sophia's camp has a field trip, and won't be back til 3 p.m., and thus the earliest we can get the kids to the location they've chosen is 3:45 p.m.
I don't know how other foster parents who work full-time do it. But we can't.
And we can't raise children without loving them, and driving ourselves crazy beating our heads against the wall of bureaucracy.
So this wasn't for us, but we wanted to give the children our all anyway.
I just hope this decision is right.
Today was Part 2 of the psych eval. The doc convinced Bio Mom to let Jacob have the medicine that his pediatrician tried to prescribe months ago. This time she agreed, and signed the paperwork.
He also agreed with the pediatrician that there's more going on here than ADHD. He said there's some sort of anxiety disorder, and maybe other things -- but he's so young and so overwhelmed with impulses that it's hard to tell. But, he said, in his brief talk with Jacob he had to redirect him more than 30 times.
What he did not address was the times when redirection doesn't work, and Jacob goes into a violent rage.
Is that because he doesn't believe it happens? Does he think it won't happen once Jacob is on this new medication? Did we give up on him too soon?
He told Bio Mom that Jacob might seem like "an entirely different boy" after the new medication takes effect. We start it tonight.
This decision was so, so hard, and seeing the kids grieve has been so hard. And now I'm wondering...Sure, I can tell myself the following:
1. She still hasn't set up the counseling that the doc says Jacob needs, and which is court-ordered, and which she said she would set up weeks ago.
2. She could withdraw approval for this medication at any time, just like she did last time.
3. It might not address the rages at all, which the pediatrician said are not a symptom of ADHD.
But a part of me feels like a terrible failure for giving up. And the new family seems great at handling stuff like this, yes, but there are things the new foster mom says at times that worry me. Will he really be loved and cherished there?
Did we do the right thing?
Certainly I can say foster care in general was not the right thing for us. We are clearly not the right people for it. We care. We get attached. We advocate for the kids.
And also, we were clearly not the right people for these kids...the 4-hour medical appointments, once or twice a WEEK, were killing our ability to work. And the utter lack of communication was driving us batty. Only by directly asking a caseworker today, two days before the next mom visit, did we learn they'd changed the time of the visit again. This time they've decided it should be at 2:45 p.m. (It was previously at 4 p.m., except that they randomly change it.) I explained that Sophia's camp has a field trip, and won't be back til 3 p.m., and thus the earliest we can get the kids to the location they've chosen is 3:45 p.m.
I don't know how other foster parents who work full-time do it. But we can't.
And we can't raise children without loving them, and driving ourselves crazy beating our heads against the wall of bureaucracy.
So this wasn't for us, but we wanted to give the children our all anyway.
I just hope this decision is right.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Child abuse
Today we were informed that our agency's "clinicians" have decided it's best for the children to not be told of their impending move until it literally happens. They want us to bring the kids to their visit with their mom next Wednesday, and we are "welcome to be present" while someone else tells the kids they are moving to a new home right then.
Until then, we are asked to please not tell them anything.
I cannot, frankly, think of anything more damaging to do to a child -- except, perhaps, permanently physically injuring them.
I am literally shaking with rage.
So, tonight we're telling the kids. I recognize this might lead to the kids getting removed earlier, if our agency or the bio mom find out, and there's not much I can do to keep them from finding out. I figure we'll do the daily mom call early today, and then tell them, and try our best to keep Saturday's call short and focused. Possibly if we call while we're doing something really entertaining...I won't do anything as awful as telling the kids to keep it a secret. Never. But I am not going to let them be blindsided by their horrible mother and the spineless caseworkers who are supposed to protect them.
If it does come out, I might be able to excuse it as the kids figuring it out -- their mom asked incredibly leading questions last night. I thought she was going to give it away right then. Their new mom also gave it away a bit -- told Jacob "this is going to be your room!" when he came over to visit. And then our family specialist called last night while the kids were in the car and tried to schedule a time to tell the kids. We eventually gave up having that veiled conversation, took the kids home, and hid in the bathroom to talk. But they obviously know something is up. Sophia would not leave me today -- took me 30 minutes to get her to go play at preschool. She just wanted to cling to me.
So here I am again, at work, trying to get work done while spending the majority of my time advocating for the kids instead. It's just so frustrating.
Until then, we are asked to please not tell them anything.
I cannot, frankly, think of anything more damaging to do to a child -- except, perhaps, permanently physically injuring them.
I am literally shaking with rage.
So, tonight we're telling the kids. I recognize this might lead to the kids getting removed earlier, if our agency or the bio mom find out, and there's not much I can do to keep them from finding out. I figure we'll do the daily mom call early today, and then tell them, and try our best to keep Saturday's call short and focused. Possibly if we call while we're doing something really entertaining...I won't do anything as awful as telling the kids to keep it a secret. Never. But I am not going to let them be blindsided by their horrible mother and the spineless caseworkers who are supposed to protect them.
If it does come out, I might be able to excuse it as the kids figuring it out -- their mom asked incredibly leading questions last night. I thought she was going to give it away right then. Their new mom also gave it away a bit -- told Jacob "this is going to be your room!" when he came over to visit. And then our family specialist called last night while the kids were in the car and tried to schedule a time to tell the kids. We eventually gave up having that veiled conversation, took the kids home, and hid in the bathroom to talk. But they obviously know something is up. Sophia would not leave me today -- took me 30 minutes to get her to go play at preschool. She just wanted to cling to me.
So here I am again, at work, trying to get work done while spending the majority of my time advocating for the kids instead. It's just so frustrating.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
"Transition" plans
So, at long last we have a transition plan.
We gave them essentially unlimited time -- up to three months -- with encouragement to do the transition in the next six weeks so that it's done before the school year. But then they found a family that's in the same school district, so they still had plenty of time for transition.
Then they held meetings and discussed and came up with a plan (without us, of course).
Ready?
Here it is: in six days, the kids will move in with the new family.
That's it.
That's the transition plan they came up with, when given all our support and all the time in the world to put together something.
And THAT, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with the system.
To be clear: DSS came up with this plan. I can't blame this on our (incompetent) agency or the bio mom. This one is the product of the system.
Now, we do have some things in place that will help the kids. Jacob is going to be babysat by the new family for the next week, because he was expelled from his summer camp. So that allows him to get to know them, at least. That's really good.
We've asked for permission for Sophia to spend a day there too. We have not gotten approval for that.
We also haven't yet been officially "allowed" to tell the kids. Frankly, I'm gonna tell them tomorrow night (Friday). That gives them the weekend to process the news, allows them to focus on the things they most want to do for their last weekend with us, and gives them the maximum amount of time in our presence after they're told. If I wait for permission, they're going to say we can tell them on Tuesday or something. The kids leave Wednesday.
Here's the plan I would've recommended, following basic child development and child attachment philosophies:
1. Do not do an abrupt "break." Have the children visit the new family slowly, over the course of six weeks.
2. Have them spend increasing amounts of time with the new family, starting with short visits, then all day, then an overnight, then a few days.
3. Once they "move in," have them slowly leave our home -- first come back for a weekend after 5 days there, then come back for an overnight after a week there, then come back for a daytime visit.
4. Continue contact through respite care.
This is, in fact, what many foster parents have developed on their own. But the system prefers quick and dirty, and never mind how many children it hurts.
We gave them essentially unlimited time -- up to three months -- with encouragement to do the transition in the next six weeks so that it's done before the school year. But then they found a family that's in the same school district, so they still had plenty of time for transition.
Then they held meetings and discussed and came up with a plan (without us, of course).
Ready?
Here it is: in six days, the kids will move in with the new family.
That's it.
That's the transition plan they came up with, when given all our support and all the time in the world to put together something.
And THAT, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with the system.
To be clear: DSS came up with this plan. I can't blame this on our (incompetent) agency or the bio mom. This one is the product of the system.
Now, we do have some things in place that will help the kids. Jacob is going to be babysat by the new family for the next week, because he was expelled from his summer camp. So that allows him to get to know them, at least. That's really good.
We've asked for permission for Sophia to spend a day there too. We have not gotten approval for that.
We also haven't yet been officially "allowed" to tell the kids. Frankly, I'm gonna tell them tomorrow night (Friday). That gives them the weekend to process the news, allows them to focus on the things they most want to do for their last weekend with us, and gives them the maximum amount of time in our presence after they're told. If I wait for permission, they're going to say we can tell them on Tuesday or something. The kids leave Wednesday.
Here's the plan I would've recommended, following basic child development and child attachment philosophies:
1. Do not do an abrupt "break." Have the children visit the new family slowly, over the course of six weeks.
2. Have them spend increasing amounts of time with the new family, starting with short visits, then all day, then an overnight, then a few days.
3. Once they "move in," have them slowly leave our home -- first come back for a weekend after 5 days there, then come back for an overnight after a week there, then come back for a daytime visit.
4. Continue contact through respite care.
This is, in fact, what many foster parents have developed on their own. But the system prefers quick and dirty, and never mind how many children it hurts.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Sent home again
Jacob was sent home early from summer camp again today, this time for throwing rocks at the camp counselors. Miraculously, they will let him return tomorrow.
Yesterday, he took off his seatbelt and opened the car door while my wife was driving down the street. (It was in the new car that we'd just gotten -- I'd forgotten to engage the child locks, since it had been so long since he'd tried something like that. Apparently the lock was all that was keeping him from doing it.)
They are hopefully meeting the new family this weekend, at some point. Then they will go to that family next Wednesday for Labor Day weekend, while we go on our annual trip. No word yet on whether the plan is to have them move out at that time or come back and slowly move into the new home. Why no word? Because Bio Mom is losing her mind.
She announced yesterday that she wants us to not tell the kids, and just drop them off at next Wednesday's visit with a couple bags. Then, she'll introduce them to the new family at the visit, tell the kids she's decided they will live with the new family, and pack them off with no chance to have said goodbye to us first.
She also vowed to never let us see the kids again. She does have the right to decide that, although I think that's bullshit. While they're in foster care, their foster family should be able to decide who they interact with -- she shouldn't get to choose. Anyway, we plan to get around that by giving our friends' phone numbers to the new family, so the kids can pass messages if they want.
This whole thing is just such utter bullshit. Foster parents are expected to partner with bio parents, and even if they adopt the children, they're expected to maintain connections with the child's bio family. But bio parents are under no such expectations.
Anyway, I must admit I had assumed, based on bio mom's behavior with the kids' last foster mom, whom she declared they could never see again, that we would also be banned. But my wife is devastated.
Bio mom also told her that she would do her best to "erase" the kids' memories of us and of foster care. My wife was deeply hurt -- she's been making them a memory book. I was able to console her only by reminding her that it's very unlikely these kids are ever going back home.
We are making the memory book anyway, and giving it to the new family to take care of, add to, and pass on when the kids move.
Our agency, which has been ignoring our increasingly urgent calls on this issue, finally called my wife back and assured her that this whole no-goodbyes policy is not the agency's normal policy. DSS and our agency are now (finally!) planning the transition. Or at least saying they will plan it, which is progress of sorts.
These poor kids are trapped: surrounded by a mom who cannot think past her own emotions and caseworkers who are too overworked, incompetent or burned out to care.
I am so sorry to abandon them in that world. But I will be glad to escape it.
Yesterday, he took off his seatbelt and opened the car door while my wife was driving down the street. (It was in the new car that we'd just gotten -- I'd forgotten to engage the child locks, since it had been so long since he'd tried something like that. Apparently the lock was all that was keeping him from doing it.)
They are hopefully meeting the new family this weekend, at some point. Then they will go to that family next Wednesday for Labor Day weekend, while we go on our annual trip. No word yet on whether the plan is to have them move out at that time or come back and slowly move into the new home. Why no word? Because Bio Mom is losing her mind.
She announced yesterday that she wants us to not tell the kids, and just drop them off at next Wednesday's visit with a couple bags. Then, she'll introduce them to the new family at the visit, tell the kids she's decided they will live with the new family, and pack them off with no chance to have said goodbye to us first.
She also vowed to never let us see the kids again. She does have the right to decide that, although I think that's bullshit. While they're in foster care, their foster family should be able to decide who they interact with -- she shouldn't get to choose. Anyway, we plan to get around that by giving our friends' phone numbers to the new family, so the kids can pass messages if they want.
This whole thing is just such utter bullshit. Foster parents are expected to partner with bio parents, and even if they adopt the children, they're expected to maintain connections with the child's bio family. But bio parents are under no such expectations.
Anyway, I must admit I had assumed, based on bio mom's behavior with the kids' last foster mom, whom she declared they could never see again, that we would also be banned. But my wife is devastated.
Bio mom also told her that she would do her best to "erase" the kids' memories of us and of foster care. My wife was deeply hurt -- she's been making them a memory book. I was able to console her only by reminding her that it's very unlikely these kids are ever going back home.
We are making the memory book anyway, and giving it to the new family to take care of, add to, and pass on when the kids move.
Our agency, which has been ignoring our increasingly urgent calls on this issue, finally called my wife back and assured her that this whole no-goodbyes policy is not the agency's normal policy. DSS and our agency are now (finally!) planning the transition. Or at least saying they will plan it, which is progress of sorts.
These poor kids are trapped: surrounded by a mom who cannot think past her own emotions and caseworkers who are too overworked, incompetent or burned out to care.
I am so sorry to abandon them in that world. But I will be glad to escape it.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Maybe they just need clear instruction
Today, Jacob got sent home from camp because he went through a camp counselor's bag on the bus, found her wallet, hid all the cards under his seat, and hid the wallet in his backpack. It was only found when his counselor searched his bag, though he did then confess.
At first it looked like he was going to be expelled again (and really, who could blame them?) but the camp director relented. She seemed pleased that I came to fetch him right away and treated him firmly -- not angrily, but not with warmth. She could clearly see he would be disciplined, I think. So she said she thought he would be able to learn his lesson this weekend and try camp again on Monday.
However, I had a 30-minute drive to get him in which I didn't know if there was any chance of a reprieve. So I called our foster agency. Our homefinder didn't answer (and never calls us back anyway, though I left a message). Our family specialist is out with a broken toe. Her voicemail said to contact her supervisor. But that person's voicemail said she is out today, and gave me the number for HER supervisor. That person didn't answer her phone, but her voicemail gave me a main office number to call.
It took 10 minutes to get through all that, while driving, but eventually I spoke to a real person, who transferred me to the supervisor's supervisor. Except, of course, she dropped the call by accident. So I called back, and finally got to talk to her.
I explained that I had a crisis and briefly described the problem. Then I said, as clearly as possible, "What I need right now is to find a child care facility that will take a 5-year-old who hits, steals and runs away. It needs to be very structured and have no field trips, because that's when he really falls apart. And I need to get some possibilities lined up today, so that I can call them and try to get him into one starting Monday, because we both work."
Every other time there's been a crisis, I've asked for help in handling Jacob -- I've asked for counseling, advice, doctor referrals, etc. This time, knowing that he will be moving on (and knowing there's no way they will offer me help for him), I was just focused on the practical: we need a way to keep our jobs.
And, to my surprise, the agency was very responsive. They got right on it, coming up with possibilities and actually calling the places for us.
Then the camp director relented, so all is well. For now, at least.
Shockingly, Jacob's bio mom was also supportive of us -- I called her to talk to Jacob when he kept insisting he'd done nothing worth sending him home from camp. "It's not fair," he kept saying, arguing that it wasn't THAT bad because he gave the wallet back. When someone else searched his bag.
So she gave him a good talking to -- and, amusingly, said basically the same things I did. She told me that she would back me up on whatever punishment we came up with, and that if he threw a fit or otherwise misbehaved about it, to call her back and she would back us to the hilt. She has never before said or done anything like that. I was pleasantly surprised.
She was also completely in agreement with me on our planned punishment: he has to spend the rest of the day in his room (five hours, which you have to admit is a LONG time) because my wife is busy working downstairs and I'm at the office. And then, after dinner, while his sister and I go to the big outdoor presentation at the park of "The Lego Movie," he'll have to go to bed. In the past she's seemed unhappy if he gets any sort of punishment at all, including a 5-minute time-out. I'm not sure what's caused this about-face, but it's great. Maybe it's because she's happy to get rid of us? Though she might not know yet....
Because also today, DSS apparently told our agency that looking for a new family without telling the bio mom first is "sneaky." We didn't tell them to do it that way, but DSS is punishing us for it anyway. (Given that we've been told not to speak to the bio mom outside of kids' calls, how exactly were we supposed to tell her?) So DSS told our agency not to allow any respite until -- well, until further notice, I guess.
We have plane tickets for our annual vacation in two weeks. There is no way we are skipping that trip. They have known about it literally since the day we took in the kids, six months ago.
I guess the problem is that the respite family is the family that would take them. Ah, cannibals. You might have to work with them, but you can't trust them to have your back.
At first it looked like he was going to be expelled again (and really, who could blame them?) but the camp director relented. She seemed pleased that I came to fetch him right away and treated him firmly -- not angrily, but not with warmth. She could clearly see he would be disciplined, I think. So she said she thought he would be able to learn his lesson this weekend and try camp again on Monday.
However, I had a 30-minute drive to get him in which I didn't know if there was any chance of a reprieve. So I called our foster agency. Our homefinder didn't answer (and never calls us back anyway, though I left a message). Our family specialist is out with a broken toe. Her voicemail said to contact her supervisor. But that person's voicemail said she is out today, and gave me the number for HER supervisor. That person didn't answer her phone, but her voicemail gave me a main office number to call.
It took 10 minutes to get through all that, while driving, but eventually I spoke to a real person, who transferred me to the supervisor's supervisor. Except, of course, she dropped the call by accident. So I called back, and finally got to talk to her.
I explained that I had a crisis and briefly described the problem. Then I said, as clearly as possible, "What I need right now is to find a child care facility that will take a 5-year-old who hits, steals and runs away. It needs to be very structured and have no field trips, because that's when he really falls apart. And I need to get some possibilities lined up today, so that I can call them and try to get him into one starting Monday, because we both work."
Every other time there's been a crisis, I've asked for help in handling Jacob -- I've asked for counseling, advice, doctor referrals, etc. This time, knowing that he will be moving on (and knowing there's no way they will offer me help for him), I was just focused on the practical: we need a way to keep our jobs.
And, to my surprise, the agency was very responsive. They got right on it, coming up with possibilities and actually calling the places for us.
Then the camp director relented, so all is well. For now, at least.
Shockingly, Jacob's bio mom was also supportive of us -- I called her to talk to Jacob when he kept insisting he'd done nothing worth sending him home from camp. "It's not fair," he kept saying, arguing that it wasn't THAT bad because he gave the wallet back. When someone else searched his bag.
So she gave him a good talking to -- and, amusingly, said basically the same things I did. She told me that she would back me up on whatever punishment we came up with, and that if he threw a fit or otherwise misbehaved about it, to call her back and she would back us to the hilt. She has never before said or done anything like that. I was pleasantly surprised.
She was also completely in agreement with me on our planned punishment: he has to spend the rest of the day in his room (five hours, which you have to admit is a LONG time) because my wife is busy working downstairs and I'm at the office. And then, after dinner, while his sister and I go to the big outdoor presentation at the park of "The Lego Movie," he'll have to go to bed. In the past she's seemed unhappy if he gets any sort of punishment at all, including a 5-minute time-out. I'm not sure what's caused this about-face, but it's great. Maybe it's because she's happy to get rid of us? Though she might not know yet....
Because also today, DSS apparently told our agency that looking for a new family without telling the bio mom first is "sneaky." We didn't tell them to do it that way, but DSS is punishing us for it anyway. (Given that we've been told not to speak to the bio mom outside of kids' calls, how exactly were we supposed to tell her?) So DSS told our agency not to allow any respite until -- well, until further notice, I guess.
We have plane tickets for our annual vacation in two weeks. There is no way we are skipping that trip. They have known about it literally since the day we took in the kids, six months ago.
I guess the problem is that the respite family is the family that would take them. Ah, cannibals. You might have to work with them, but you can't trust them to have your back.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Jealousy and doubt
My Facebook feed is full of pictures of smiling children, sitting together, having fun in wide-open spaces. Of parents who went on these trips with these children and HAD FUN. And are looking forward to doing it again.
I am so jealous.
I ought to be happy for them. But really, a part of me sees those pictures and thinks: If only Jacob and Sophia could be like that!
Then I think, Well, they aren't saying it, but I bet they had to chase their child around too, stopping him from hitting other kids and stealing their stuff! ...No, probably they didn't.
There is a part of me that's mad about it. I want to say, hey! I didn't sign up for this!
But parenting is hard, right?
So how can I just give up?
Am I a failure as a parent already? Will I give up on my baby? Does this prove I'm not up to the task?
My wife says this makes us even more ready for children. But to me that sounds like saying that after a divorce, you're an expert in the marriage game. No, you're not -- you're an expert in NOT succeeding at marriage.
All I can say is: this thing is hard. Moving them to a new family feels just as hard as keeping them with us.
I am so jealous.
I ought to be happy for them. But really, a part of me sees those pictures and thinks: If only Jacob and Sophia could be like that!
Then I think, Well, they aren't saying it, but I bet they had to chase their child around too, stopping him from hitting other kids and stealing their stuff! ...No, probably they didn't.
There is a part of me that's mad about it. I want to say, hey! I didn't sign up for this!
But parenting is hard, right?
So how can I just give up?
Am I a failure as a parent already? Will I give up on my baby? Does this prove I'm not up to the task?
My wife says this makes us even more ready for children. But to me that sounds like saying that after a divorce, you're an expert in the marriage game. No, you're not -- you're an expert in NOT succeeding at marriage.
All I can say is: this thing is hard. Moving them to a new family feels just as hard as keeping them with us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)