"Counseling"

Today, Jacob's DSS caseworker called us to say that his bio mom is arranging counseling for him, at long last. But, of course, nothing is that simple. There were rules.

1. We cannot communicate with the counselor in any way.

2. Bio mom communicates with the counselor for everything -- what should be worked on, past history, scheduling appointments, etc.

3. If we have any concerns that we want the counselor to know, we must tell DSS. (How is uncertain, since the caseworker has told us not to put concerns in writing, but also to only email her because she's too busy for phone calls.) DSS will decide what, if any, of our concerns get passed to the counselor.

Now how exactly are counselors supposed to be effective if they have no idea what's going on? Bio mom (and DSS) don't see Jacob's day-to-day behavior, and in fact have no idea what's going on with him. Despite my email last week, they didn't even know he'd been expelled from his summer camp. (They don't read emails at DSS.) They have no idea how he behaves at home. Bio mom is convinced that his only problem is that he's still in foster care.

It is just so sad -- and deeply, hair-pullingly frustrating -- to watch a child fall through the cracks because of willful denial (on his mother's part) and a lack of willingness to stand up to the mom (on DSS' part).

I am so glad we are getting out of this situation soon, because watching this child drown is more than I can take. It's torture to stand by helplessly. I have to say this has been the worst experience of my adult life.

All I can hope for is that the counselor eventually sees one of Jacob's fits. Or that the school sees the way he behaves and understands enough to react with internal counseling or something, rather than just suspension. But it is hard to not want to punish a child who is defiant, violent and destructive and just won't back down. He's so wonderful so much of the time...but if you catch him at the wrong time...yesterday while he was being babysat during our childbirth class, he kept running into the road. The babysitter said, "If you do that one more time, we'll have to go inside." His reaction? To run to the road, wait for a car, and then run into the road.

It's not that he wants to get hit -- he has no comprehension of that. He wants to get that big "oh no!' reaction. No matter how much positive attention we give him, it seems he still craves negative attention.

It's the sort of thing that a counselor could help with....if the counselor knew what was going on!