Psych eval

Today was the long-awaited, long-fought psych evaluation. Well, part one of it, anyway.

The doctor took us seriously, I think. At one point we told him that our foster care agency told us all foster youth act like this, and he looked down at his notes and laughed.

But it wasn't a collaborative, frank meeting. Bio mom was there for all of it, and started the session by saying that she sees nothing wrong with Jacob and has no concerns "except for your house" (meaning that we are raising him incorrectly).

We described the sorts of things we're seeing, provided him with letters from Jacob's two camps, and told him about Jacob's behavior in hitting kids at school.

I did also lend credence to bio mom's claim that foster care is what has caused all this for Jacob. I figured -- what the hell? It might be true, after all. Certainly, being ripped from one's family is a major trauma. I am hoping that the doctor will also be able to hypothesize that the things that went on prior to him being ripped from his family were also a major trauma.

Bio mom did seem to thaw a little...though she was also taking notes, probably for her next round of complaints about us. She did eventually say that she also thinks Jacob is unpredictable, with good days when everything is great at the visit, and bad days, where all he'll do is spit in her face and yell, "I hate you!"

She also said Jacob was diagnosed with ADHD at age 2.5, which surprised the doctor, who made a small comment about the age. (ADHD symptoms are pretty common behavior for 2.5-year-olds; it seems very odd that he could be diagnosed that way then, and certainly suggests it was a misdiagnosis. ADHD can often really be PTSD, anxiety disorder, and other such issues.)

He met with her alone, and with the caseworker alone, and then met with Jacob for awhile alone, and then gathered all of us adults again. He told us that Jacob could definitely benefit from talk therapy (that would be that counseling I've been begging for) and bio mom FINALLY seemed to acknowledge that. She said he "really needs it." So maybe that will go somewhere.

He also said he doesn't think increasing Jacob's dosage, as his pediatrician wanted and his mother opposed, would stop him from running away at camp. That suggests to me that he doesn't think anxiety is at the root of this -- but then he talked a lot about anxiety, so maybe...I don't know. He did say Jacob was on a "very low" dose and that he wouldn't want to increase it without waiting 6 weeks (which would be next week). So perhaps there's the possibility of improvement there.

Then he told us that we should all give him short commands, as if we don't already. I know bio mom is convinced we talk Jacob to death, and god knows we are talkers, but it was just annoying. I mean, I'd even told him how I'd told Jacob, "sit down and put on your seat belt," and he responded by throwing a cup of water at me. If that wasn't a short command, what is? But whatever, I'll look more closely at my words and try to shorten my commands...even though, honestly, ordering him around seems to get the worst results.

When we left, bio mom seemed to be wanting to partner with us again...she was saying she would work on getting Jacob to not run away by telling him that he could be taken and the stranger wouldn't know where to take him to see Mommy at the visits. She said at the visit this afternoon she would talk with him about why summer camp is fun (we'd told her it was the only place where he could go swimming, which he loves) and why he wants to not get kicked out.

Thankfully, his grandmother waited downstairs. But she overheard that last remark, as we walked down the stairs. Her comment, to bio mom: "Why? The camp would only be a couple more weeks."

Of course, I don't argue with these people, but I was stunned. Does she not care about how badly he feels when he gets kicked out? Does it not occur to her that it makes him feel badly about himself? Does she not realize that he loves camp? Does she not understand that since my wife and I both work, we need childcare during the day? And does it really, truly, not occur to her that by running off, he's putting himself at risk? In the last few weeks he ran in front of a car and nearly ran over a cliff.

These people drive me mad.

As much as I'll miss the kids, I will not miss all of this bickering and undermining and drama.