Sleep? What sleep?

I couldn't sleep last night. I just kept trying to figure out what Jacob needs. Why did he run away EIGHT TIMES yesterday at camp? What can I do to prevent that today? What am I going to do if he gets expelled again? Neither of us has any more leave, but one of us needs to take off work to be with him until I can...what? Find a camp that will take a kid who has been expelled TWICE for destroying other kids' art work and other anti-social stuff AND running away?

How do I even put that in an application?

How are we going to get through this month?

Sometimes it just feels like it's all too much. And then I lay awake all night. I watched the sun rise this morning...it was pretty. So there was that, at least.

This morning I had a new game plan. It occurred to me that yesterday was Monday. Maybe new kids joined Jacob's group at camp (they sell camp by the week, so each week some campers leave and some campers start). Maybe this was all anxiety?

He told me, upon questioning, that there were new kids and he made friends with them "anyway" -- an odd word choice. I queried further, which is always dangerous because I could end up feeding him an answer. He said he knew all the kids. But he also said there was one scary kid.

I pressed on with my plan anyhow. He says he trusts his camp counselor, who we will call Mr. Jack. I told him that whenever he feels "uncomfortable" (because what boy wants to admit he's scared?) he should go up to Mr. Jack and say, "I feel uncomfortable. Can I stay with you all day?"

Then I tried role-playing with Jacob. We all -- his sister, my wife, me, him -- acted out various parts, pretending to be a scary kid, Mr. Jack, Jacob. He took great delight in yelling at me and pushing me back to the group when I "ran away" when pretending to be Jacob while he was Mr. Jack. But then we went too far -- he decided to play himself one more time, and this time he went and hid, ran from place to place to keep hiding, folded his arms and yelled no and all the stuff we see him do during a classic anxiety attack.

My wife was like, "Is this what you do at camp?" He hid under a blanket. We looked at each other. No wonder they were upset, if he was doing this all day.

We finally got him to go to my wife, who was playing Mr. Jack, and say the phrase -- but he was so worked up he couldn't remember it on his own.

I tried to call the camp director to tell her about this, so they could give him cues, but she wasn't in and hasn't called back yet.

My wife thinks I made it worse by working him up like that. I hadn't intended to! It just got out of hand. It's hard, sometimes, for kids to remember they're pretending.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm blind-folded and stumbling through a crevasse, trying desperately to visualize the turns I've taken so I can find my way out.

He's going to be so upset if he gets kicked out again. He hated himself for a week after the last expulsion. And I tried to put it in his terms: there's no other camp that has swimming, so if he runs away, he's choosing to not go swimming anymore. He loves swimming. But he can't seem to hold it together.

Tomorrow is part one of the long-awaited psych eval. Please, let this lead to something that will help him. I know it won't be in time for me to see it, but please, just let him get the help he needs.

That's all I want.